Wonderment

i don’t know when this started. it’s like the imparfait in french: a tense used to describe an event in the past with an undefined starting point. all we know is that it started at some point and then it was there. the difference between me and the imparfait is that the imparfait has a clear stopping point. and this does not. this is out of control. this is scary. this requires help. this is not the passe compose, it did not happen once, it was not a one time event that we can forget about and move on. this is the present tense, the present and the imparfait. i want to, i need to prevent this from also being the future tense. my life does not have room for the future tense. it only has room for now. and now is out of control. 

why something so simple and so necessary to sustain life causes me so many problems is ridiculous. why i cannot simply listen to my body and respond frustrates me beyond anything. i simply cannot believe it has come to this. i don’t know where i have gone, where that person in photos from 6 or 8 or 10 months ago went. 

and why. that is the other question. why. what is missing, what do i want, what am i trying to stuff down and conquer. everyone knows you can’t light fire with a wet match. why even try. i need to stop trying to solve things using tools and methods that have been tested and proven to fail. i am smarter than that. yet, when i am in this mode i am not. i am stupid. i am dumb. i am hurting myself. and i can’t stop. which is the worst part. i have no control over myself, which is the only thing we truly have control over. so without that i am lost and i am stuck and i don’t know how to help myself. 

how is it possible that i still achieve things. still get through the day and complete my work, go to class, participate, practice flute, hold conversations, volunteer. why do i appear so together and so functional when i am not. it is not just that i think i am not, i truly am not. 

i wake up each morning and attempt to start fresh and i get through about 85%. which is good. far more than some people. but i must get through more, because the last 15% kills me. and it hurts me. it hurts my body and my mind. and i am slipping away.